She continues to speak to him, even helping him out. She calls me to tell of the latest hurtful situation he has done. I have told her I wouldn’t tolerate being involved with a negative person like that, but she can’t bring herself to cut ties with him.

I’m frustrated with the continuing “woe is me” conversations. She doesn’t seem to be able to move on, which is very difficult for me to hear the same sob story over and over. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

– Frustrated Friend

Dear Friend: It’s OK to set a boundary here and stick to it. Tell her something like: “I love you, I care about you and I can’t stand by while you get hurt. It’s not your fault; your ex-boyfriend is mistreating you. But when we talk about you continuing to engage with him, I get frustrated because nothing changes and you deserve better. So, I can’t talk about him with you anymore. Remember that I’m here to help you at any time, but rehashing the last bad thing he did doesn’t work for me.”

Dear Eric: My spouse recently died, leaving me with a substantial financial estate. Now I have to decide what to do with it.

We had no children (we were a male couple). My spouse had three younger brothers, two of them still living, and I feel closer to those two than to any of my own relations (I am an only child).

The youngest brother and I have been friends for years, and he has two children and two grandchildren, all of whom I am very fond of. I am seriously considering leaving a large part of my estate to that brother’s children and grandchildren. The oldest brother is childless.

The problem is the long-deceased third brother, with whom I was not close. I have never had a good relationship with his widow, and I have a friendly but not close relationship with each of his three children.

Meanwhile, the youngest brother’s children have always called me “Uncle” and communicate with me regularly. The children of the other brother never communicate with me.

If they weren’t my spouse’s nieces, I would have no relationship with them at all. But I am concerned about possibly causing problems within my spouse’s family by favoring one brother’s family with substantial bequests and ignoring the other family.

I suspect that if my spouse had survived me, he would have split the bequests much more equally among all of his brothers’ children. However, it is my money now, and I don’t really want to give it to people toward whom I feel no actual warmth.

I also expect from experience that in my old age, I will be able to depend on the one brother and his family to willingly help me, regardless of whether they inherit anything from me or not. Any suggestions of what to do when I meet with my lawyer to make the will?

– Uncle Dilemma

Dear Uncle: I’m sorry for the loss of your spouse. I’m glad that you have family to lean on. I’m also glad that you’re planning to talk to a professional who can look at the legal and financial specifics of your situation and advise you.

We can’t control what people do with bequests or how families react. So, if your nieces, with whom you aren’t close, feel some entitlement to an inheritance from you, that’s on them to deal with.

You’re deciding based on your emotional reality and the relationships that you have, which is absolutely fair. Ideally, bequests shouldn’t be seen as “repayment” for familial kindness, but they’re also not owed simply because you see each other at the holidays.

I’m curious about your suspicion that your spouse would have divided things more equally. That’s something that you should drill down on. Why would he have done that? Do you feel you owe it to him to honor that wish?

If so, it may help you to think of your will as a reflection of both of your values and split the difference. On the other hand, if he had strong feelings about the way the money was passed down, perhaps he could have talked it through with you or made a provision in his own will.

There’s no wrong way to do this, but when you talk to your lawyer, trust your gut and compose a will based on the relationships as they are now, knowing that if things change, you can adjust it.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

This year’s national winners include 3 vegetables and 5 flowers. ‘Green Lightening’ is a very attractive, striped pattypan squash that tastes as good as it looks. The 5-inch or so fruits weigh in at 1 to 2 pounds and are ready to pick about 50 days after planting from seed. Judges marveled at the abundant yields on these 2 feet high, bushy plants.

Kohlrabi ‘Konstance’ exudes a vibrant purple color as well as a sweet, crunchy texture. A curious but easy to grow and tasty addition to the vegetable garden, this kohlrabi matures at just 42 days from seed. Upright plants, about a foot high, produce round, purple 4 to 5-inch ‘bulbs’ that can be eaten fresh or served roasted or sauteed. Fruits are crack-resistant and plants resistant to several diseases.

Sweet pepper ‘Pick-N-Pop Yellow’ produces adorable, snack-size, extra sweet mini peppers. The pointed, conical fruits are about 4 inches long springing from compact 2-foot-tall plants. The prolific harvest begins about 65 days after transplanting. This variety shows great resistance to bacterial leaf spot.

One can never have too many dahlias and this year’s AAS winner, ‘Black Forest Ruby’ is a gem that can be started from seed. Since this variety is an octoploid (having 8 times the normal chromosome number) there is much variability in flower shape (ranging from single to double), plant height and structure. Most will be upright about 2 feet high with jet black foliage and ruby-red flowers. You can save tubers from the best-looking plants.

Dianthus ‘Interspecific Capitan Magnifica’ with its impressive bicolor pink and white frilly blooms looks as good in the garden as it does in a vase. Plus, the more you cut, the more blooms appear. Summer heat tolerance was impressive with the 2-inch flower heads also standing up to rain and cold. Plants range from 1 to 1 ½ feet tall and bloom all summer. Look for these vegetatively propagated plants at your local garden center.

Sunny sites will positively shimmy when planted with marigold Mango Tango. This rich red and primrose yellow bicolor blooms all summer long even without deadheading. Reaching only 8 to 10 inches in height makes it perfect for edging garden beds, containers or window boxes. Seeds can be started indoors and plants set out after the danger of frost has passed. Fertilize and water regularly for bountiful blooms.

Can there be too many petunias? ‘Petunia Shake Raspberry’ will convince you that there’s always room for one more. The fantastic flowers are reminiscent of a blended raspberry milkshake swirled with lemon-lime green sorbet. The 5 to 8 inch mounded plants can do front of the border duty, serve as groundcovers or billow over hanging baskets. Plants will bloom about 70 days from seed and hold up to heat and rain.

I’ve never thought of snapdragons as fragrant, yet ‘DoubleShot Yellow Red Heart’ is said to have an amazing candy-like scent. Aside from this unusual trait, Yellow Red Heart promises to delight with vibrant yellow blossoms with a red throat that start early and continue through to a heavy frost. This snapdragon reaches about 20 inches in height with semi-double 1 to 1 ½ inch blooms produces all season long and able to tolerate light frosts.

Four regional 2025 Ornamental Winners well suited to the Northeast, include one petunia and 3 nasturtiums. If you’re looking for a vibrant pink petunia great for bedding and containers, try ‘Dekko Maxx Pink’. The vibrant pink 1 to 1 ½ inch starry blooms are produced all season long and hold up well to rain and heat.

Nasturtiums are top performers in garden beds and containers and are noted for their hummingbird attraction and edible leaves and flowers. New colors in the Baby series of nasturtiums to try out this year might be ‘Baby Gold’, ‘Baby Red’ and ‘Baby Yellow’. All can be grown from seed and start blooming about 50 days after sowing. Two-inch blooms cover compact 12-inch-high mounded plants. Colors are intense and plants stand up to drought, heat, cold, rain and wind. Considering our fluctuating summer weather, these are sure to do well both in the garden and in containers.

Check out these and past AAS winners. They were chosen because of their remarkable characteristics and they are sure to be winners in your yard too.

For your gardening questions, feel free to contact us, toll-free, at the UConn Home & Garden Education Center at (877) 486-6271, visit our website at www.homegarden.cahnr.uconn.edu or contact your local Cooperative Extension center. 

Packed with 509 horsepower on our Taycan 4S tester, with 523 lb-ft of torque. An all new rear motor is easily noticeable while suspension calibration has been updated over prior year models. Our Frozen Blue Metallic tester came in riding on 21” RS Spyder design wheels and weighed 4,828 pounds. The EPA estimated range for our Taycan tester is 252 miles on a full charge, but we witnessed 303 on our week-long test which was incredible and exceeded expectations for this Porsche enthusiast. Other models in the Taycan family include the Turbo, Turbo S, and Turbo Gt. With other model variants available in each sub-category the top model Turbo Gt, offered 1,019 horsepower and 914 lb-ft of torque.

Jumping off the page for our test was easily the charging dynamics. In just 18 minutes your Taycan can go from 10% to 80% delivering over 200+ miles of charge; that’s unheard of. More importantly, just 10 minutes of charge provided over half the battery life, and that all is delivered from the unthinkable technology placed into the Taycan and other models. The secret sauce to decreased charging time; it’s all in the battery temperature control and pre-conditioning settings that deliver outstandingly rapid charging, while eliminating the anxiety of long charging down time. Finally in the battery topic, a best in class, 400 kW regenerative braking power, that is standard on the Taycan confirms a twice as much stopping force.

Adding to customer expectations, I give you the Thermal Management System. In addition to delivering an optimal charging experience as already mentioned, the Porsche brand delivers track-readiness. While regular drivers are still enjoying the outstanding thermal management integration for an array of reasons that are always working in the background making this a tech-monster, the track-readiness is just another topic of excellence.

With air suspension and power charge port doors standard now on the 2025 Porsche Taycan, soft close doors are still an upgrade. Did I mention that there are 20+ exterior color options also?

As a performance brand, Porsche gets it and nails it out of the park. Their overall brand delivers customization to the consumer, performance to the driver and appeal to onlookers. Great work Porsche and EV Performance Car of the Year in Grasso’s Garage is an easy achievement.

Grasso’s Garage is here for you! Looking for more auto reviews or are you in the market for a new car? Head to https://www.bostonherald.com/tag/automotive/. Also, for honest input, reach out to me directly: marc.grasso@bostonherald.com.

2024 Porsche Taycan

MSRP: $118,500

MPGe: 90 city / 85 highway / 88.1 as tested

As Tested: $154,315

We are now considering moving back in together to save money because times are tough for both of us. I understand it might seem a strange arrangement, but my ex is still my best friend in the world and, to be perfectly honest, I feel so much more connected to him than to my mom.

She was very much against this idea and became very upset when I told her. I just want her to understand that I’m an adult and can make my own decisions. Lately, every time I visit her and talk with her, I’m left feeling emotionally and mentally drained afterward.

I love my mom and want to have a relationship with her but now I feel like I have to set boundaries and limit our time together. I don’t want to feel like I have to live a double life because she’s not the biggest fan of my ex due to our history. I guess I feel like I’m being emotionally manipulated by her and now I feel like I have to protect myself.

– Independent Daughter

Dear Daughter: It sounds like your mom is having a rough time handling the transition from having a daughter whose life revolved around her, to having a daughter who makes her own choices, even ones that your mom doesn’t agree with. That’s totally understandable. It takes time to realign a relationship, especially a parent-and-child relationship that’s especially close.

If you can, it would be worth your time talking to a therapist about the specific dynamics of this relationship, to better understand the patterns of behavior or scripts that you and your mom are getting stuck in.

It’s concerning that you start off by writing that you’re really close and end by writing that you feel manipulated. Talking through what’s going on inside may help you see the relationship more clearly. It may not be healthy. A neutral party can give you resources for changing what doesn’t work in the relationship. Or, you two may simply be getting stuck in a growing pain.

Additionally, talk to your mom openly about the tension you’re feeling in the relationship. Don’t make it about your ex or your decision. It’ll be too easy to go back to having the same fight. Instead, try something like “I want to get to the bottom of the tension we’re having.” And then speak from the “I” perspective about things you’re noticing and feeling, and how you’d like things to be moving forward.

Dear Eric: A group of my friends has been meeting monthly for about 35 years. Initially, the gathering was intended to discuss our common profession, but over the years the monthly sessions have become equal parts personal and career talk.

Nowadays it is a core group of seven participants (originally 20), with some erratic attendance due to family and life constraints.

Seven months ago, we accepted a newcomer on the basis of a former participant’s recommendation. Unfortunately, it’s become apparent that that participant has “changed the vibe” of the group, and even though he has done nothing egregious, we’d like to uninvite him.

One of the legacy members feels so strongly about this, he won’t attend any meeting that the newcomer attends. He just doesn’t care for him. What is the best (least cruel, easiest) way of handling this “expulsion”? We have no personal relationship with the newcomer outside of these monthly sessions.

– Group Dynamics

Dear Dynamics: Directness may not feel great in the moment, but it’ll likely be the most effective way to reset your group. One of you (perhaps you, or you could deputize someone else) should have a one-on-one chat with the new member, explaining that the group dynamic changed in a way that the original members aren’t comfortable with. Remind the new member that you’ve been meeting for 35 years, and old rhythms are hard to break. If it’s possible – and you’re so inclined – offer an alternative. I’m not clear what you talk about in this group now, but if there’s a particular subject, maybe there’s another outlet for this new member.

Another alternative is just to start meeting separately. You asked for easiest and, honestly, that’s the easiest. But – and this is a big but – it has the potential to be much more hurtful than a direct conversation should he find out you’ve been having clandestine gatherings without him. Best to just acknowledge the truth: some changes don’t work out.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

I’m blessed to be a member of the working press. As you might imagine, we’re treated like royalty at both shows. Thousands of companies want us to come to their booths to see all their new wares. I’ve been doing this for over three decades. You have to carefully pick and choose how you will spend your precious time.

Several manufacturers spend vast sums of money on their presence at the show. One is Kohler. Its booth is an oasis of eye candy if you’re entranced by anything to do with plumbing fixtures. I’ve been a master plumber for over 40 years and have installed hundreds of Kohler fixtures. I always enjoy viewing the magnificent and elegant designs they debut at the show.

This is not to take away anything from the efforts of some other major brands like Moen, Delta and American Standard. I happen to use a stunning Moen kitchen faucet each day here at my home to wash dishes.

This column is not a soft advertisement for manufacturers. It’s about how you can use some of their most unique products to set your home apart. Allow me to share a few stories that might inspire you.

Ask the Builder: Effective drainage depends on proper design and use of materials

Several years ago, one company introduced a bathroom vanity faucet that looked like it was made in a rainforest. The spout appeared to be created from a stalk of bamboo. The handles were shaped like small bamboo stalks. My wife fell in love with it. I ordered one and installed it in our basement half bathroom. This faucet is still made today.

Ask the Builder: Best ways for cleaning the inside of a toilet tank

The theme of the bathroom was tropical. We found two different wallpapers and a matching border that made it look like you were inside a grass hut with no glass. The openings gave you a view of the beach just beyond the palm tree line. The bamboo faucet sent water into a repurposed used copper basin. I drilled a drain hole into it, creating a vessel sink that recessed into a stunning piece of brown variegated marble. You can use different faucets to create countless themes in your home.

My daughter did a similar thing in the half bath of her new home. The interior of her home is very contemporary. It has no woodwork surrounding the doors or windows. The wall board goes straight down to the tile floors.

To extend this minimalist feel into her half bath, she found an antique wall-hung corner sink carved from a thick piece of marble. The artist created a scalloped, curved front making the sink appear to be a giant sea shell.

Ask the Builder: Building and remodeling mistake stories

I installed hidden L-brackets that were bolted to the sides of the wall studs. These extended out of the wall, and the sink rested on them. The sink appeared to float in midair. The crowning touch was a single-handle wall faucet with a long gooseneck spout. Everyone that sees this sink marvels at it.

Do you think you could enlist the lowly ho-hum toilet to help create an illusion in a bathroom? My son is doing it now. He and I were forced to use a wall-hung toilet in a basement bathroom at his home.

Get the image out of your mind of the stark commercial wall-hung toilets you see in airports, office buildings, or schools. His toilet is a futuristic china fixture with smooth sides. As crazy as this sounds, it’s the most beautiful toilet I’ve ever seen. The water tank is hidden behind the tile wall. There’s a simple touch pad to activate the flushing action.

Are you planning to create a deluxe shower in your home? Perhaps you’re doing a major remodel job or building a new home. Did you know you can install multiple shower heads to create a true rain downpour, if that’s what you’re after? You can even include speakers that surround you with the sound of a rainstorm. The shower heads can be both in the walls or in the shower ceiling.

Should you wish to do this, be sure you or your plumber does the math so you have plenty of water supplying your virtual reality shower experience. You may need to have 1-inch diameter cold and hot water lines feeding your bathroom. If you fail to do this, water may dribble from all the shower heads and body sprays.

You don’t have to have press credentials like I have to see all of these wonderful new products. At the end of February, YouTube will be flooded with thousands of videos shot at the show by members of the press. Search for IBS or KBIS 2025 videos.

You’ll be able to salivate over all the new kitchen and bath faucets from the comfort of your own home. You won’t have to file through crowded aisles, bumping into people and craning your neck to glimpse the most popular displays, as I typically have to do when attending in person.

Subscribe to Tim’s FREE newsletter at AsktheBuilder.com. Tim offers phone coaching calls if you get stuck during a DIY job. Go here: go.askthebuilder.com/coaching. (C)2025 Tim Carter. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.

Pollination is a key factor. Successful pollination occurs when pollen meets the sticky central part of a flower, known as the stigma. Fertilized seeds develop in the ovary, which will then form into fruit. Over the span of thousands of years, tasty fruit has proven to be a good way to help with seed dispersal in the environment. And taste, along with many other traits, have helped humans decide what plants to cultivate.

Houseplants that don’t require soil and can be displayed any which way? Look to air plants

Hybrid seeds, also commonly referred to as “F1” or “F1 hybrids,” have been developed through selective breeding. To create an F1 hybrid, breeders have selected parent plants with desirable traits and pollinated them under controlled conditions. While it sounds easy enough, lineages can be tricky. It can be time consuming for plant breeders and some will spend years of their career trying to achieve a specific outcome.

F1 hybrids are often praised for their environmental resilience and higher yields, among other traits. They may be less reliable for seed savers, though, as the offspring of the F1 hybrids are not guaranteed to come back with the same traits as the original plant from your first season, a term we call “true to seed.”

Hybrid seed should not be confused with GMO or genetically modified seeds. Hybrid seed is a product of breeding and selection and does not undergo the laboratory interventions that are needed for genetic modification. Currently, there is only one GMO product available to home gardeners, known as “The Purple Tomato.”  All other GMO seed is only available commercially and farmers using these products must sign agreements that lay out the terms of use for the seed purchased.

You may find the term “open pollinated” in your search for seed. These seeds are created without direct human intervention. They have stable genetics and produce predictable traits in their offspring year after year, since they are naturally pollinated. This is great news for those gardeners who enjoy saving their own seed.

It is best to plant open pollinated varieties of similar species away from each other to avoid random cross-pollination. Alternatively, gardeners cand hand pollinate a few flowers and keep them covered. For this, I recommend mesh party favor bags that allow for the fruit to expand. Allow the fruit to develop and harvest them specifically for their seed.

Heirloom seeds are open pollinated plants that have been passed down usually over generations. Often, there is a local history or cultural significance that comes with them. You can find interesting physical traits and some beneficial resistances from heirloom seeds. Since they are open pollinated, their genetics are more likely to be stable and produce true to seed offspring for seed savers, as well.

At the end of the day, I always advise gardeners to look beyond the title and really assess what is going to meet your needs and make your experience most enjoyable. If you love to tell a story with your garden, and enjoy saving your seeds year after year, an heirloom variety might be the perfect fit! On the other hand, if you bring home a packet of tomato seeds that have been bred for small space gardening, and you plan to buy new seeds every year, then enjoy that tomato to its fullest! There are many gardens out there with a beautiful blend of both.

If you have questions about seed selection, or for other gardening questions, contact the UCONN Home & Garden Education Center, toll-free, at (877) 486-6271, visit their web site at www.homegarden.cahnr.uconn.edu or contact your local Cooperative Extension Center.

In 2024, we test the BMW X1 M35i, an even better looking subcompact luxury crossover SUV but one that boasts more power, performance and sportiness. With all of these perks, BMW has made a big mistake, and that is the X1 has lost all of its comfort. In the sporty world of luxury vehicles in today’s market, the competition to the X1 with the Cadillac XT4 and Mercedes GLB, both who boast tons of sportiness, didn’t leave the comfort behind.

As a 6’1” full-framed test driver, I have a hard time even fitting in the over-bolstered seats and seeing out the front windshield at the traffic lights. Unlike the X1 base model, which we really enjoyed, the X1 M35i is over the top in its sportiness, to a level that will see consumers looking elsewhere. Suspension is exceptionally stiff, the ride is very loud for passengers and the seats are exceptionally uncomfortable. Unlike the NX350 from Lexus and XC40 from Volvo, these vehicles are a good example of subcompact luxury who understand both sportiness and luxury concurrently while the Cadillac XT4 tops the category easily.

Powered by a 312 horsepower, 2.0 Liter 4-cylinder engine with 7-speed automatic transmission, the BMW X1 M35i certainly has power but its discomfort stands out so much that it really is a disappointment in Grasso’s Garage.

As we had a lot of excitement for its test, since the X1 was such a great tester previously, potentially the elimination of the M-Sport seats, could be just the answer, with some better drive mode options decreasing the stiffness in suspension. With Grasso’s Garage being a big fan of BMW in the past, this is a big let-down.

Grasso’s Garage is here for you! Looking for more auto reviews or are you in the market for a new car? Head to https://www.bostonherald.com/tag/automotive/. Also, for honest input, reach out to me directly: marc.grasso@bostonherald.com. 

2024 BMW X1 M35i

MSRP: $50,350

MPG: 23 city / 31 highway / 26.0 as tested

As Tested: $56,025

The men we saw with our neighbor were in an unmarked truck and may not be professional concrete workers. I said to my husband that if they start jackhammering into the driveway without calling the utility company to get the underground utilities marked, I was going to call the utility company. My husband said I was not to do that.

He is adamant that I do not advise anyone, and let the neighbor take the consequences of what may happen. My husband said I am being too nosy. I said I am not nosy but concerned. If they hit a gas line, there could be consequences for many homes in the neighborhood. So, am I too nosy or rightfully concerned?

– Paved Paradise

Dear Paved: Your concern is valid; the consequences of hitting a utility line would probably impact more than just your neighbor if the workers don’t do their due diligence. But waiting until the jackhammer revs to life is too late. The national Call Before Your Dig number is 811. The emphasis here is before.

Calling the number or visiting Call811.com will connect you to your state’s 811 center website, but they’ll want to do it a few business days before digging begins so they have time to come out and mark buried utilities. It’s better that they call because callers also need to know the type of project being undertaken and the exact area on the property where the workers are planning to dig.

Reminding your neighbors and their workers of the importance of doing this in advance, even for small projects, may stave off your husband’s “nosy” accusations (unfounded, I think). Plus, it’s the law.

Dear Eric: At the family Thanksgiving gathering, my father-in-law’s girlfriend was asked to pass my drink to me. Instead of grabbing the cup on the outside she put a finger on the inside and a finger on the outside to lift it. Thereby making me cringe with disgust that if I drank on that side, I’d be sharing her germs.

This woman is just an awful, disgusting person in general. She could probably be diagnosed as a narcissist. She is a hoarder and neglects her animals and is highly disliked by everyone in the family except my father-in-law. Quite frankly, she doesn’t deserve kindness. So why did I not call her out on tainting my cup? Why did I pretend to not notice and only take a sip on the side I knew she didn’t touch and never drink from that cup again?

If she is so openly rude on a regular basis to all of us in ways like this at the family gatherings, why couldn’t I find the words to say how that was gross, and she shouldn’t pass someone’s cup like that? Why was I keen on being polite rather than saying what I felt inside? Everyone was sitting or standing around the table when this happened, but I have no idea who saw it. So, on top of shame on myself for not sticking up for myself, there is embarrassment that others might think me just as disgusting for acting like I didn’t care that she did that. I wish I had the right words at the right time.

– Disgusted Now with Myself

Dear Myself: I’m sorry this happened – yuck. And I’m sorry it’s caused such a spiral. While I know you know I can’t tell you why you did these things, I wanted to answer your letter because there seems to be two potentially conflicting factors at play here and I hope you can untangle them.

You don’t like your father-in-law’s girlfriend, that’s clear. But so much of your letter was about what other people think of your behavior – being kinder than you wanted to the girlfriend and then worrying that your family thought you disgusting.

People are almost never thinking about us as much as we think they are. No, scratch that. People are never thinking about us as much as we think they are. So, one thing you may want to talk to a friend or counselor about is what you want from other people’s approval and how you can get that from other ways. Ultimately, the approval has to come from inside. But if you’re primarily focused on making sure that everyone else likes what you’re doing, your own judgment will always come second. That leads to the kind of regret and self-flagellation in your letter, and the spiral begins anew. I hope you’ll work on these things.

And next time, maybe ask someone else to pass you your drink.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

According to The Lancet Commission on dementia prevention, intervention, and care, modifying roughly a dozen risk factors over the life course could delay or prevent more than 40% of dementia cases. Positive, everyday actions can make a difference in brain health, even lowering the risk of cognitive decline and possibly Alzheimer’s and dementia.

Incorporate some or all of these habits into your life to help maintain a healthy brain.

The Alzheimer’s Association suggests you take charge of your brain health today — it’s never too early or too late to start.

Challenge your mind

Be curious. Put your brain to work and do something that is new for you. Learn a new skill. Try something artistic. Challenging your mind may have short- and long-term benefits for your brain.

Stay in school

Education reduces the risk of cognitive decline and dementia. Encourage youth to stay in school and pursue the highest level of training possible. Continue your own education by taking a class at a local library or college, or online.

​Get moving

Engage in regular exercise. This includes activities that raise your heart rate and increase blood flow to the brain and body. Find ways to build more movement into your day — walking, dancing, gardening — whatever works for you!

Protect your head

Help prevent an injury to your head. Wear a helmet for activities like biking, and wear a seatbelt. Protect yourself while playing sports. Do what you can to prevent falls, especially for older adults.

Be smoke-free

Quitting smoking can lower the risk of cognitive decline back to levels similar to those who have not smoked. It’s never too late to stop.

Control your blood pressure

Medications can help lower high blood pressure. And healthy habits like eating right and physical activity can help, too. Work with a health care provider to control your blood pressure.

Manage diabetes

Type 2 diabetes can be prevented or controlled by eating healthier, increasing physical activity and taking medication, if necessary.

Weight-loss drug craze appears to be curbing US obesity epidemic

Eat right

Eating healthier foods can help reduce your risk of cognitive decline. This includes more vegetables and leaner meats/proteins, along with foods that are less processed and lower in fat. Choose healthier meals and snacks that you enjoy and are available to you.

Maintain a healthy weight

Talk to your health care provider about the weight that is healthy for you. Other healthy habits on this list — eating right, exercising and sleeping well — can help with maintaining a healthy weight.

US life expectancy gap widens to 20 years among groups, researchers found

Sleep well

Good quality sleep is important for brain health. Stay off screens before bed and make your sleep space as comfortable as possible. Do all you can to minimize disruptions. Your brain washes away toxins when you go into a deep sleep. If you have any sleep-related problems, such as sleep apnea, talk to a health care provider.

Terms for understanding brain health

“Cognitive decline” refers to changes in the ability to think that happen as people age. Some changes are a normal part of getting older, but you can take steps to slow that decline. More significant decline or severe changes are not normal and may be a sign of Alzheimer’s disease or other dementia.

“Dementia” is a general term used to describe problems with thinking and memory that are severe enough to interfere with a person’s daily life. Alzheimer’s is the most common cause of dementia but there are several kinds of dementia. Dementia is not a normal part of aging.

If you have any questions about Alzheimer’s or any other form of dementia, want to learn about education classes and support groups or want assistance navigating this disease, please call our 24/7 Helpline at 1.800.272.3900 or head to alz.org/ct.

The New England Chapters of the Alzheimer’s Association produce a podcast called “Speaking of Alzheimer’s”. Episodes address caregiving, grief, life after Alzheimer’s, friendship/support, research, first responders’ dementia programs and more. You can hear past episodes wherever you get your podcasts.

Occasionally, she brings her boyfriend, whose company we also enjoy. Recently, her mom texted us and told us that we were not to allow her daughter to bring the boyfriend to our house for weekends.

The wording was, in fact, “Do not allow [name of daughter] to bring her boyfriend to stay with you; we are against that.” Um… this daughter is a legal adult, and my husband and I have absolutely no intention of caving to her mom’s demands. We just need a way to tell mom to butt out because, honestly, who we entertain at our house is none of her business. She is sure to ask again.

– Open House

Dear House: Oh wow, you’re going to want to stay as far away from that as possible. The most expedient way is to tell your friend “that’s between you and your daughter. You two should work this out.”

Friends of a person’s parents can act as surrogate parental figures through life, but this goes beyond that. There’s a conflict that is already brewing between your friends and their daughter, one which they have failed to successfully communicate about.

It’s unlikely that either side doesn’t know where the other stands. Bringing you into their stalemate isn’t going to change anything.

You’re right, the parents would be wise to stop trying to control their adult daughter in this way. Likewise, the adult daughter should have given you a more in-depth heads up about the disagreement with her parents, if only to avoid creating tension in your friendship with her parents. But if you don’t have a problem with two adult guests sleeping in your house, there isn’t much more to discuss. Sleep well.

Dear Eric: My younger sister and I are only a year and a half apart, but our relationship has been a constant cycle of fights and arguments all our lives.

My sister has a negative attitude about life that has been unfortunately validated by devastating loss. I, on the other hand, had a rather cushioned life until our elderly mom had a stroke, becoming totally dependent on my husband and me financially, physically and emotionally for 15 years. It was the most difficult time I ever experienced, although I was grateful to be able to do it.

My sister and her husband offered us no assistance the whole time. Two years ago, my sister suffered a stroke leaving her unable to care for herself. She and her inept husband expect me to provide the same care for her as I did for our mom.

I resent the expectation but feel compelled to help. I’m in my 80s, still healthy and energetic but I don’t know how much more time I have left on this earth. I don’t want to spend it caring for my sister, especially when she has a husband and a grown son who all seem to think that my life and endeavors should be sacrificed for her.

I have found caregivers for her, but when that doesn’t work out, they look to me to fill the void. I am sad, angry and torn. I don’t know how to limit my care for her without feeling intense guilt. What can I do?

– Wracked with Guilt

Dear Wracked with Guilt: As you noted, providing care to a loved one involves a constellation of resources – money, emotion, time, logistics and physical capacity. While it can be all-encompassing, care isn’t all or nothing.

So, try to think of the care you’re already providing for your sister – finding additional support, providing emotional support, navigating family dynamics – as a full offering rather than something incomplete.

The guilt is telling you that you should be superhuman, all while pushing down the hard feelings that are still lingering from your complicated relationship. The guilt is lying to you because it’s rooted in a desire to fix the unfixable. Remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can.

A conversation with your sister in which you can try to heal some of the past wounds, resentments and hurts is going to do a lot to help here. Separately, you should have a very tough love talk with her husband and her son. They don’t get to tell you what’s expected of you. They don’t get to neglect their loved one while you struggle under the weight of the responsibility. If they don’t have the tools or skills, I’m sure that you can point them to resources because you had to find them yourself. It’s time for them to step up.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)